Give a woman a squash and you feed her for a day. Teach her to plant them, and she’ll stash them in her purse.
We’re nearing the end of our pocket picking expedition! Thanks to all of you who sent in pictures of your pocket or purse junk! Tonight we get to take a peek into Barelyknittogether’s purse, and in a few days we’ll see what Two Yorks and a Bean is toting around!
Without a doubt, Barelyknittogether is among the most talented people I’ve had the pleasure of “meeting” here. Frankly, I don’t know how she finds the time to crank out her thought-provoking posts and morsels of creative writing. She’s incredible in my book, and anyone who disagrees with me is wrong!
While she admits that she considered staging her purse contents to look more interesting, and then decided against it, I gotta ask…what is THIS?? Girl, I dunno what you would have added to make this more curious, other than, oh..a handful of earthworms and a parachute.
Photo credit: Barelyknittogether
What’s in the little zip lock bag? (squint)
I should play it off as some rock or a tiny smidgen of smack, but, um, that would be a nose screw. Like for a nose piercing. Which I am going to get in the very near future. This time (unlike the other three times), I plan to have it done professionally.
Thank you for posting my weirdness. I can’t wait to explain all these oddities. I had forgotten what was in the photo, so it is rather shocking to be seeing it all up there like that! And I am blown away by your compliments. Thank you so much. (You like me! You really like me! ala Sally Fields)
Ok, my eyes are watering at the visualization of an unprofessional nose piercing. How’d you do it? (eww. eww)
You know those earrings they use to pierce ears? The ones with the pointy ends? Yeah.
That’s how. Talk about watering eyes.
And I should add, I needed the earthworms in my garden, and the parachute wouldn’t fit. Excellent title, by the way.
I won’t even comment on the squash, I’ll just let me imagination go willy-nilly. There are 3 things I am quite curious about. 1.) The round thingy under the squash on the right. 2.) The black thing on the chain. 3.) Is the small red square thing a Chicklet by any chance?
I don’t blame you on the squash. Your fantasy is probably more interesting than the truth.
As for your questions:
1. It’s the chest piece from a stethoscope. The real ones are so much more fun as toys than the Fisher Price ones, and they don’t contain lead – always a plus.
2. The black thing on a chain is a watch face necklace thing I bought from my friend Will’s Etsy shop. http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6322775 He does kind of a steam punk thing, which I find immensely cool.
3. And the red, square thing is a piece of gum, but it’s one from a machine that spits out like 72 pieces of all different colors, so it’s not technically a Chicklet. Hey, remember those teeny tiny little Chicklets that came in a little packet? The ones that were impossible not to swallow because they were mostly the candy outside? Yum. I want some of those.
The white thing, at first glance, looks like a wadded up tissue but I think not? And marbles? What a fascinating assortment…. do tell
You would be correct – it is not a wadded up tissue! And I’m so glad you asked because I would have felt it necessary to say that anyway. It is actually a paper towel with beans that were sprouted and then allowed to dry out. I think they might be mung beans. Or it could be okra seeds, too. You soak the seeds overnight or for a few hours before planting and they germinate better. You can even see the little sprout tails poking through the paper towel. I can’t remember the exact series of events that led to these things drying out in my purse, but there you go. That’s the story of my life.
And yes, marbles. Because I’m a mom with two boys. And because I like marbles because they’re kind of shiny and they make a neat noise when you rub them together in your palm when you’re nervous. Or bored. Or just fidgety.
More from me later (BKT: it’s everything I imagined, –and so much more), but until then I have to say…
This is the first conversation I’ve ever seen between a pair of feet.
(Damn pale yellow space invader winkie…)
What a sheltered life you’ve lived, never seeing a conversation between two pairs of feet. It can be quite toe-tillating, if you like that sort of thing. Which everyone should.
The first thing I thought was “what would the ghost of Freud think?”
Then I thought, “Wow that wound up ball of tissue looks like a crumpled white rose.”
Then, because I have too much time on my hands, I thought about “a crumpled white rose.” I like that image… But enough about me.
You have a Swiss army knife? Are you Swiss? Have you been to Switzerland? Did you know I once bought a Swiss army knife in Germany? Does that seem wrong to you?
This knife… You use it for… Knife fights? If so, reconsider violence. It doesn’t truly solve any problems. Joshing aside, I’m assuming you use to… Nope, I have no idea – over to you, my friend. The more alliteration the better.
Of course the real meaty issue here are those phallic objects. If Kraft Dinner is the yellow peril, then yellow squashes are truly the fruit of well endowed gods. They look like woozy merkins. And for that I applaud you. I don’t like squash, but the word merkin is one of my favorites. It rhymes with makin’ takin’ bacon’ and god forsakin’ – so, it rules for sure. My question here, and I do have three, is…
1)What are your thoughts on merkins?
2)Where do you rank squash in your list of favorite vegetables?
3)Has anyone ever said to you “Is that a two headed dildo in your purse – or are you just glad to see me?” If not, why?
As for the ziplock nose screw. Remember – buy American.
Don’t lose those marbles. I lost mine a while ago. Found ‘em at a “Lost & Found” in the shopping mall – but it was unnerving to walk around without them.
And finally which do you think is cooler?
Your watch
Your sunglasses
Or your nose screw
(If you could answer in rhyming couplet, I would be thrilled)
One more finally– What are your thoughts on these new yellow winkies?
OMG, OMG. Alan, I just mentioned the word merkin to a co-worker today and honestly hadn’t thought of that word for months, nay years…no shit. It’s that espn thing again.
OMG! It gets weirder, I was just writing to you about merkins!
AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhOMG!
I’m ashamed to confess that I had to look up the word merkin, and now I am overcome with pity for poor Kate Winslet, whose pubic thatch proved inadequate for her role in The Reader. Perhaps we should start a donation drive for her. Oh hell, she can just have mine. I’m not using it.
*sigh*
If I’d had you as a college professor, I would have dropped your class and just audited it. I want your humor, but your assignments are killers.
Give me some time. I’ll be back.
And you be Beethoven.
Okay, here we go.
I do not know what the Ghost of Freud would say, but I suspect since you’ve summoned her maybe we’ll hear something.
I didn’t catch the white rose thing before, but now that you mention it it does look like a wilting white rose. Aren’t white roses for death or something? I’ll have to look it up. Be right back.
I’m back. They aren’t for death, but they are for love stronger than death.
And that’s all the time we have for now folks. We’ll be back for another exciting installment after these words from our sponsors, who happen to be two small boys who want to go outside and play.
A+ dear. And no need to deliver me an essay. Honestly, I can be such a chore at times.
Part Deux, or should I say, “Teil Zwei”: The knife. It’s a tool, like any other. If I didn’t carry around a pocket knife, I never would have been able to slice that Haitian mango and eat it while walking around Washington Square Park after an all-nighter at a bring-your-own-bottle blues joint. If you count violence against fruit and vegetables, then yes. I use it for violence. And, of course, as a tool, but not the kind of tool I know you are thinking, you pervert, as the kind of tool that any smart girl should carry with her. Defense, prying a dead fuse from a vehicle, opening cans – it’s a multi tool, unlike the other kind.
Now that brings us to the squash. I love squash. Coated with flour, salt, and pepper and fried in a bit of olive oil, or simply sautéed with some butter, it is one of the yummiest flavors of summer. But the real reason I had them in my purse might make you reconsider your interpretations, since I brought them home from my in-laws’ farm, where my son had planted a squash seed. Sorry to deflate *cough* your fantasy, but I see nothing sexual about a squash. A mango is another matter.
Now for your numbered questions:
1.) Merkin schmerkin, is that kinda like WYDSIWYG? How are they kept on? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Decorating the girlie bits has never been one of my favorite pastimes. I hardly ever even wear makeup.
2.) I think I sort of answered this above. It might well be my favorite, especially considering the great variety of squash available. It can be sweet or savory, roasted or sautéed. And it can be used for nefarious purposes. For instance, when frozen it can be used as a murder weapon, much like the leg of lamb in Roald Dahl’s brilliant story “Lamb to the Slaughter.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamb_to_the_Slaughter
3.) [3)Has anyone ever said to you “Is that a two headed dildo in your purse – or are you just glad to see me?” If not, why?] No. Because they are afraid of me.
Marbles? They are difficult to walk on, but fun to carry around. Because of the noise and the strange vibration they make when rubbed together. I have marbles scattered randomly about my home. One never knows when they might come in handy.
*sigh*
While the watch is a fun little nerk,
It’s not fab since it just doesn’t work.
And sunglasses they come and they go,
but the nose screw says, “I’m cool, yo.”
Lastly, initially I liked the new emoticons, because they seem less garish and little girlie. But now I’m growing tired of their dullness. I’d rather just have the punctuation. On an up note, however, I was thrilled to receive FJ’s first smiley recently. It gives them a whole new meaning.
Is it bed time yet? I’m exhausted.
Thank you. That was terrific and fabulous. Why, I’d go as far to say it was terrifically fabulous and fabulously terrific. And gripping and moving and shaking and quaking and easy bake oven baking. You have my eternal and unwaffling respect. One day we shall dine together on waffles and eternal shandies. The inclusion of “nerk” was a thing of beauty. You are a beacon of excellence, the glorious light in which we all bask, your noble spirit fills… Wait a sec… Did you call me a pervert?
An eclectic collection for sure. I’m not seeing the merkin though. Nice gourds.
Is that a Moleskine notebook?? You know, the legendary notebooks of Picasso, Hemingway, and Chatwin. I am a snob, so always carry a Moleskine with me to write bits of convo and record ideas. I just wrote in mine the word Merkinstocks…”the shoe for people without foot hair.”
And, is that a BKT business card? “Hi, I’m Jen from BKT, I’d like to ask you a few questions.”
Agreed on the merkin. Although I will always believe a woozy squash can look like one. And I did want to say merkin. It’s a great word. But these are my issues. Until then, let’s go with dildos, shall we?
It seems appropriate for me to jump in on the dildo thing… Or maybe Jump on..? Do many women carry dildos? I thought i was the only one?
You still might be the only one. Oh, okay. We both know that’s not true. But I have neither time, nor need of a dildo, since I have a fabulous husband, and absolutely no extra time in which to use it. The dildo, I mean. I don’t have time to use the dildo.
Thank you for effectively ruining my ability to post a link to this on my blog, since then my friends will see me writing about dildos. Not cool, folks.
ok,so serious about not using the “D” word?
I’ll behave myself in the future… if I must but surely Sweats has enough crudities (not to be confused with curdities, oh!typo but interesting.. crudites as in food… damn, spelling gremlin w/ me this morning) to ruin your reputation in the first place and given where I see you (blog-wise) I’m guessing you’re joking?
I find now that *that* particular toy is rather unnecessary now that I’m in a relationship but in general toys are meant for play and, being a good girl
I share my toys! with boy(s)
I was joking. Totally. Mostly. Sorry for the confusion. I’m all about clarity! And good spelling. And I do carry a DD. Two of them, actually. You’re welcome to them, because they are a bitch to carry. And I’m not using *them* either.
DF, you might be the only one who carries a D. I’ve always wished for a D, and for quite some time I carried a C. Now I think it’s a B. I think.
Sweats… DD, B, C? alphabet soup here. If we’re where i think we are.. I’m touting a C but fear that impending weight loss, much needed, would bring me down to a B.. But better than the AA I sported in 8th grade!!!
Shoe: 9B, just for reference.
Interestingly, both dildo and merkin are somewhat onomatopoetic, in that they are both stilted and silly sounding like the objects they represent. Not exactly onomatopoeia, but close.
First, dear FJ, let me say your new photo is quite…something. I never realized you had such luscious lips, in such a lipsticky shade of pink. Oh, right. You’re from California. For a moment I forgot.
Yes, indeed, that is a Moleskine notebook. I’m a snob also, and thought it might make me look good and give me some credibility when, in the middle of a conversation, I whip out the notebook and nod to my friend as if listening, when in fact some odd thing she’s said starts me on a train of thought I must not lose before capturing its essence, in order to build a character or story around it later. And in order to explain that last, lengthy sentence, I will tell you that I am participating in Infinite Summer, which is the reading of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest over the summer, the act of which may influence, to some degree or another though in what way remains to be seen, my writing style. Yes, Moleskine. I have a small, black, hard cover one, but found I like these better because 1) price (3 for about $10) 2) They feel more disposable to me, not like something I have to be careful with and fill only with brilliance. They seem to give me more room to be random, or piecey, or to write my grocery list. The result tends to be more interesting, from an anthropological point of view.
Merkinstocks! Fabulous! Birkenstocks lend themselves to so many punny varieties. I’ve always been partial to Fakenstocks. My $10 ones lasted me ten years. But who would want hairy feet? Perhaps Kate Winslet would, for her next film. I’m pretty sure Delicate Flower and I are just fine the way we are.
Speaking of which, I often refer to myself as a delicate flower when necessary. And I say it with my best southern belle accent, which is very, very good. And it often gets a good guffaw, since I am a tom boy, and very strong, and kind of rough around the edges. Not like butch rough, but uh…maybe. But I’m not, you know, a butch gal. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
(damn pale space invader winkycons!)
Finally, about the business cards. The cards under the gum are actually Pokemon cards, another peril of mothering boys. The light blue card with the big, pregnant belly on it is my doula business card. The belly is mine at nine months preggers with my last. And yes, I have a blog card. They’re free at Vista Print for 100 of them for the price of shipping. I leave them random places like coffee shops, and it sometimes gets me new readers. I’m shameless.
Whew! That was more work than a blog post. I knew I should have stayed up past 11:30 last night. I missed all the fun.
You have many businesses I see.
- BKT Blog Writer
- Birth Servies
- Pokemon Trader
Is that a used kleenex?
What I really have, bearman, is a bad case of unmedicated ADD. And please make sure you do your homework before you ask questions. See above for the explanation of the wadded up paper towel.
Sorry…I only have 10 minutes to read Alan’s diatribes. Sometimes it is never enough.
Bearman,
Diatribes? I prefer to think of them as delightful rants skipping merrily through a daisy field. Little bouncing comic vignettes whisking past the nettles and through the heather as the glorious sun kisses the majestic earth in its comic splendor. And what’s this 10 minute deal? Are you saying that I ramble? That I go on and on and on and on and on? Pointlessly. Aimlessly. Randomly. That I drift off into topic after top, as unfocused as a sated sperm whale in search of an alabaster igloo. That really, at some befuddled point, things are so off base that you are left asking, “What do igloos have to do with anything?” And “did he just say sperm?” Well I take umbrage to this. Indeed, we shall meet on the field on honor. Or maybe we can just rent Field of Dreams, ah, I’m not sure. Let’s go to a rep theatre and see The Killing Fields – or maybe a W. C. Fields film night? Oooh – that could be fun! I’ll bring the popcorn. Where do you live again?
No Alan, I am stupid and you tend to use big words like “Alabaster” and I have to go look up words in the dictionary or your pop culture references. By the time I get back I have forgotten what I read.
Aww I thought you were carrying the squash around so that you could leave them on the doorsteps of the unsuspecting. That’s what my family does with zucchini at harvest time. Our neighbors have learned to keep their car windows rolled up because my mom will break in and leave squash on their seats.
Also, since I’m pretty sure nobody else has asked, what’s that thing above the doula business card and below the right-hand squash? It looks like a bottle cap.
(ps. Below the Right-Hand Squash would be a great name for a rock album.)
That zucchini thing happens around here, too. But I don’t have enough to share, yet, so I’m eating them all myself.
That thing is the chest piece to a stethoscope. I buy my kids real ones to play with. They aren’t very expensive, and they’re more interesting.
That definitely would make a great name, for an album or a band. Excellent thinking, Heather!
POKEMON CARDS! WOWSERS! I saw them once when i was passing some boys on the street. I asked them about it and they said that they were doing battle! FANTASTIC!
Is that your lucky pocket knife? Mum says im not allowed to play with knives, so you’re lucky! But everyone must follow the proper safety of knives! HOORAY!
Bob
I learned something tonight… You were all killing me with the word Merkin. Damn, Sweats Model, BKT, FJ, Alan and all, FUNNY. I am working late tonight in the studio and needed a break. Perfect entertainment! Thanks.
FJ told me ( all) you guys were funny, turns out he was right. I’ll write more later I want to go see what I have in my purse.
Hey there, Vicki! Actually I’m flattered that FJ included me in that nutty group
I took a peek at your blog and will definitely check in to read more. Thanks for coming by and I hope you do so often!